The last couple of months have been extremely overwhelming and exhausting, trying to balance family, work, and ministry. Turning twenty-six was also very hard. For the first time, I didn’t know what to do with my life. It felt like the things that I wanted to achieve already reached a deadline, and I can no longer move forward with it. I felt hopeless and purposeless. The thought of starting again scared me, and I felt like a failure. I was on the verge of depression.
Just when I started to feel better, a serious problem hit our family. It was like an earthquake: strong, unexpected and unpredictable. Our world shook. As a family, we were devastated and brokenhearted. We didn’t know how to respond nor how to move forward. It was excruciating. We were hurting; we still are.
I was struggling with the negative emotions of pain, anger, frustration, bitterness, and sadness. But because of my responsibilities at home, at work, and at church, I had to suppress all of these. On top of all that, I had to plan the wedding of our youth pastor. If I let myself feel all of these emotions, I know I’ll get distracted. So, I promised not to acknowledge it until after the wedding so that I could deliver my 100% best.
The amount of stress from all these took a toll on my health. I had trouble sleeping, and on top of that, I had terrible nightmares. I wake up tired and exhausted. I also thought I was going crazy.
But above all these things, I knew I needed God. It’s tempting to doubt and question Him when problems come, but I never did that. I admit that prayer time and devotional time were tough during those times. Sometimes, I’d sit down, and I’ve got nothing to say to God. Sometimes, I cry. No words, just emotions. I can’t acknowledge my feelings to the people around me, but I know I can’t hide anything from God. Words from the Bible encouraged me, and Hillsong’s new album “Awake” inspired me to get going.
The day of the wedding finally came. All the months of preparation came down to that one moment. I couldn’t sleep the night before. I was nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous because if anything goes wrong, it will all point to me. Excited because I knew the couple would finally become one. Hours before the wedding, new problems arose, and I was stressed out. I wanted to burst into tears, but I held it back.
But when the wedding started, everything went so smoothly. Up to the end, it was God who worked everything out for me. Only by God’s grace that the event became so successful. I broke down into tears when they were playing the SDE photos and videos. All the emotions that I was suppressing came into manifestation and it felt so good. It was all worth it!
I don’t know what you’re going through in life, but whatever it is, may you find strength in God’s amazing grace. No matter how dark your world seems to be right now, remember that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
*Featured photo not mine